January 17, 2011

10 things I hate about Farcebook

10 things I hate about Farcebook

1. Farcebook ‘models’. If you had the aptitude and attributes to be a model, surely you’d be making a career out of it right now? Whatever size or shape, (skinny, curvy, BBW) they are, I’ve seen more beauty in a cereal gift than on most of these stinkers. Some of them just look like they need a good wash. If you really need to have lots of random perverts on your profile, taking a wank over your home-taken soft-porn pics and telling you how beautiful you are (even though this clearly isn’t the case for most) then perhaps a therapist and/or medication for your low self-confidence might be more appropriate? It’s also safer... if you can’t get a man (who are, on a sexual level, quite easy to please a s a whole) to think of you in a sexual way without getting your cookies out, you don’t have the sexual maturity to deal with the pervert when he turns up because you’ve been stupid enough to arrange to meet him. Put it away, love.

2. Married/commited people, using Farcebook to perv. Oi, dickhead, that’s what porn is for. Ever had a random friend request? Yeah, me too... you know the kind... ‘I really think you’re beautiful, I’m not a perv, although you must get loads of requests from them, I’m not, honestly, if you want you can add me’. Uh huh. Yes he’s a perv... what was he doing sending you a message anyway? He was cruising.... that’s why... looking for the next bint for his collection. Sad, dirty old git. I have prepared a memo though for any such further occurrence:

“Dear Dickhead,
Thank you for your unwarranted and uninvited, very flattering message. Kindly print this reply out and stick it as far up your jacksy as you can, preferably until it makes your eyes water you sack of shit. It’s unlikely you’re not attached, so I hope her indoors finds out what you’re doing and throws you out, taking you for a fortune in the process, you needy, pathetic, and socially-disabled fuckwit.
Yours truly,
Your wake up call”.

You girls can feel free to copy/paste that should you wish. ;-)

3. People who do ‘dis’ shit. My art of communication is dying... I say mine, because sometimes I struggle to understand what the fuck some of FB are talking about. Every frigging week it’s the same... Countless spellings of ‘bored’ as ‘bord’, or, ‘board’... if you’re THAT fucking bored, take a bastard class in your native language!!! Oh my god... don’t forget the people who do this xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx after xxxxxxxxxXXXXXXxxxxxx every xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx thing they’ve said xxxxXXXXXXXxxxxxxxXXXXXXXxxxxxxx. Honestly, can you still SEE the X on your keyboard button? The only communication I get from this type of vacuous action is, ‘My IQ is really low and I have as much depth as a car park puddle’. Well communicated!

4. People bitching about status games/busting genuine status trends. Not so long ago there was a number game... people sent you a number and you put something on your status about them, and only you and they knew who it was. Okay, harmless enough, I had a bash. No sooner than a few had passed, you get the whingers, ‘stop wiv the numbas shit, it’s pathetic’. Okay... so move the status, or person who’s offending you instead of letting something relatively harmless boil your piss. And... erm.... get some real problems...? Also recently, we were all changing our FB avatars to childhood cartoon characters. Again, harmless enough.... until some arse-misery like the one above says it was started by paedophiles and spreads THAT status update. This was so obviously faked it could have been a 6 pound note, but still the sheep are posting. There’s a difference between a harmless bit of viral fun and a viral ‘piss on that because I have no friends to share it with’. Absolute fook-wittery of the highest order.

5. Application gifts.... okay, not them persay, but the way we have to collect them. Why, oh why, oh why, oh why, do I have to collect them INDIVIDUALLY? Some apps have now been nice enough to ask if we have any more gifts to collect. Yes, forty-flippin’-2! Any chance I can get them all together? Nope, says FB. You have to waste time... it says, what else were you doing on FB anyway? It then sneers at me smugly... Touché FB, touché.

6. Farmville & Mafia Wars - ‘Nuff said.

7. Farcebook being more important than that thing they call, ‘life’. If you’ve heard your partner complain about the time you spend online, chances are it’s taken them a while to tell you it’s bothering them. By now, this is not to be taken lightly. They’re feeling neglected, like you think they’re not important and they’re pretty pissed off at you. This is not the time to say ‘I’ll just finish *insert waste of time here*’. Using this phrase more than twice will no doubt or indeed SHOULD signal the end of your relationship. Get off the internet, you self git, and spend some time with your other half. If you’re really this addicted, you need specialist help. That said, when they leave you, or kick you out, you’ll always have FB, won’t you? The flip side of this.... is you spending hours on end online and your partner not caring. Hey, news flash, they don’t want to spend time with you... either that or they got fed up and they’re out shagging someone who doesn’t feel the need to sit online all day/night/both. I am talking here about excessive time on FB... any more than 6 hours at a time... and from an outside perspective from someone who loves FB but doesn’t spend ages on it? You have a problem, trust me.

8. Blah has unlocked a question about them and posted it on my wall. Oh really? The only app of this kind that’s worth its salt it social interview. It doesn’t charge you points to ‘unlock’ questions... what an absolute con. I do not want this cockmunchery on my wall, ta.

9. People complaining about profile changes. The site is free, get over it. Also, if you can’t work out your new settings and it’s all too much for you, then honestly... never EVER babysit. Not good to let people who can’t put their clothes on the right way do that.

10. Messages.... from groups I’m in I then have to leave because I received multiple messages about things that aren’t REALLY linked to that group, and even if they are repeat messages are fucking annoying. Stoppit stoppit stoppit!!!!

/rant over
I know this sounds a big negative, but hello, it’s me, remember me? lol Plus, I’ll be looking to the positive side of things next time... mainly I adore FB and I’ll be saying why. Probably won’t have the same sass, but with the negative comes the positive. Just crossing my mind I’d be a really confusing pregnancy test...