October 07, 2010

Internet Phishing

By the time you’re 35, if you’re all about what other people think, then you missed life’s field trip on self-awareness. I’m sat here eating re-heated pepperoni pizza in a t-shirt with a hole in it, and I’d quite happily do this at the queen’s house if she’d let me. It’s about being who you are, y’see, life... even if you’re a bit shoddy like me, and bite your nails, drink too much Relentless and coffee and don’t empty your ashtray until it’s like the magic porridge pot... you’re worthy. Understand though, this does not give you licence to stomp on other people, because they’re worthy too.... (not all of them, obviously that bloke who shagged your mother and your sister, well, he’s a bit of a cad), most people, though, are just like you, struggling through the giant game of hook-a-duck we call ‘life’.

Speaking of hook-a-duck: Being single now is a whole new game, because unlike the social animals our ancestors were, we have the internet... yes the very beast allowing me to do this now, oh how we love it. If you’re looking, or even if you’re not, it’s interesting to see some of what’s on offer, and how the internet, rather than being a disadvantage in dating (this is only if you, like most people, have an IQ higher than that of a bath mat and don’t believe that gorgeous bloke from Saudi wants to marry you after a week and needs £10,000 to travel over) can be the best way ever to meet that person you don’t mind hearing you fart...

Okay, you’ve all heard an internet dating nightmare... no? Ok, well, for my part, the internet is a huge sieve.... only the good stuff can get through, plus, the internet has a block button, we ‘like’ this, don’t we FB users? ;)

Names have been changed to protect the disgusting/emotionally stunted/weird... and only in these circumstances can I call ANYBODY weird...

Basically, a list of dubious men I’ve encountered while ‘fishing’:

Graham (Mr lovely until you give him your number):

Seemed to be a nice man, normal-looking, ok to chat to, seems interested in me, and asks the right questions, we got on alright. And then I gave him my number. After the initial first text of ‘Hi babe, thanks for texting’, I receive, 2 minutes later, a picture message, yes, that’s right, a huge great cock on my screen. I did consider giving it marks out of 10, and also making some suggestions re: intimate topiary... however, before I got the chance I receive a message saying, ‘Can I have a pic back?’ I replied, ‘Yes, babe’, waited a few minutes and then sent him one... of a giraffe.

Mark (Mr Msn):

Again, seems reasonably normal at first messages, a bit cocky (although not as much as Graham up there), loves himself a bit, brags about his car, house, etc... he does have a sense of humour though, or so I think, so when I’m asked to make the small step of adding him to msn, I do it. The next day, BAM! I log into msn and the orange is flashing almost before the little bald blokes have stopped twirling. Bloody Hell, he’s keen. Not even ‘hello’... not a wink, not a nudge, not even an emoticon, but... ‘Put your cam on then’. Erm, no... a) I don’t have one, and b) why the fuck should I? After being told no, slightly more politely than that, it has to be said, he proceeds with his rant. How I’m ‘boring’ and do what ‘society dictates’ not what I want to do... hello, dude, you’re missing the point, I did not want to go ‘on cam’ for you, or anyone else. At which point I explain to him the reason he might still be single, it has to do with being a pervert with no respect for women who knows a few long words and shouldn’t use them too much for fear he hurts himself, I don’t think he liked it much. I then, of course, blocked him.

Pedro (Mr OMG):

Beautiful looking, and I mean yum, young, healthy, but short on conversation... his message says, ‘I love BBW, I want you to dominate me and shit in my mouth’. Erm, no.... *block*

Keith (Mr Married):

There are two variations of Keith. There’s Keith who tells you he has a wife (it doesn’t bother him if you’re a slapper then) and Keith who doesn’t. Keith who doesn’t will message you ‘Are you free tonight, I cud cum round 4 sum fun’, then before you get the chance to bollock him for the cheek... his account is deleted. Keith who will just keep... messaging... you... even though you’ve told him to sling his hook. *block*

Yes, I know, that all sounds pretty bad... however. I’ve met some lovely blokes too... the ones who are can be found on my FB as I’d like to keep them as mates even though nothing happened because they’re good people. I’m just thinking though, that recently, I made a good catch in my net, one that makes me smile, a lot. It just goes to show, that self-awareness thing (i.e. being you), there’s a lot to be said for it.

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