April 06, 2012

Smoking barrels...

Nowt like a nice morning stare into someone else’s window, is there? I’m attempting to mentally project this onto the old bat who’s walking past gawping in... I’m wondering what it is exactly, about my pink dressing gown that’s so fucking fascinating. I toy with the idea of giving her the finger, but given that I don’t know who she is and the quota of inbred/hooligans there are locally, I reconsider.

It’s been 24 hours since I last had a smoke. It wasn’t even a proper one either, was a lousy roll-up and I didn’t really enjoy it. Fact is, we can’t afford to smoke. I enjoy factory made ciggies which don’t shed tobacco... I love them, I’m not ashamed. They relax me and I feel comfortable with one in my hand (no jokes about what I’m referring to, please). But the government have once again decided that a tax hike needs to go on cigarettes, and I refuse to play masses of tax to a government who’s going to demonise me for doing the very thing that’s making them all that money! Odd that, I’ve become an addict on a VERY addictive substance which is allowed to be legal by my government, despite its alleged massive health risks, and then they blame me and tax me for that addiction. Just ban them if it bothers you that much... oh hang on, you can’t do that; you’d lose millions. I don’t know why people aren’t blaming the dealers and enablers instead of the addicts... but what would I know; I’m a smoker (or was until yesterday). I am now of a mind that I’m not a smoker, never really was, was just a glitch. To be honest, had I not had a close friend who smoked during a time when my parents got divorced, I probably wouldn’t smoke. I was just looking for anything to mask the problems at the time. I’ve given up other things; I’m strong enough to kick this too.

My tolerance is quite short, but not too bad, given I’m normally quite fluffy unless someone pokes my cage, I’m not so different. I would like to say though, while being subjected to ad campaigns making parents feel bad for daring to smoke a completely legal substance around their children...

I can do without superiority on Facebook, especially when the point being made shows lack of superiority by the dickwit complaining about it! Pictures being posted on news feeds saying: “Stop sending me game requests I don’t fucking play” etc... Oi, idiot, learn how to adjust your settings to block games and prolific senders.... that’s what I do... so if you’re receiving unwelcome requests from a game more than once... guess who’s fault it is? Yeah, that’s right... YOURS. So get your ‘I’m an idiot’ multi-idiot tagged photo off my news feed.

I can’t do any of the following by copy and pasting either:

Cure cancer

Force Mattel to make a bald Barbie

Stop abuse of animals, children, or the impaired.

Make you realise I’m your friend and that I ‘pay attention’ by reporting back and having the same status... fuck off, If I wasn’t ‘paying attention’ you wouldn’t be such an annoying fuck, would ya?

Also, a relatively new use for Facebook in my world, slagging you off to other people after having said something different. I’m skint, everyone knows I’m skint, so I’m out about as often as Halley’s Comet (another reason I’m quitting smoking)... I had written to a friend of mine to explain my daughter needed something, which then wouldn’t allow for me to make it to her birthday party. I was honestly gutted and she’d said it was fine, that she understood. I had invited her out on a few occasions over the years, but she’d always declined. Fair enough. The morning after said party though, she decides to have a snide dig at me and other people who obviously couldn’t make it through someone else’s profile. I apologised again.. but after having had time to think about it, I thought she was just a two-faced bleeder.. she’d told me it was fine.. had obviously lied about that.. and then made her disgruntlement public... nice... go away.... and stay there.

Next blog entry is a piece written from my perspective... aren’t they all? I got asked what I’d think of me now, when I was 10... It’ll take a while to compile because I need lots of words for ‘disappointment’. :P.. but that’s what’s next. Until then....

January 17, 2011

10 things I hate about Farcebook

10 things I hate about Farcebook

1. Farcebook ‘models’. If you had the aptitude and attributes to be a model, surely you’d be making a career out of it right now? Whatever size or shape, (skinny, curvy, BBW) they are, I’ve seen more beauty in a cereal gift than on most of these stinkers. Some of them just look like they need a good wash. If you really need to have lots of random perverts on your profile, taking a wank over your home-taken soft-porn pics and telling you how beautiful you are (even though this clearly isn’t the case for most) then perhaps a therapist and/or medication for your low self-confidence might be more appropriate? It’s also safer... if you can’t get a man (who are, on a sexual level, quite easy to please a s a whole) to think of you in a sexual way without getting your cookies out, you don’t have the sexual maturity to deal with the pervert when he turns up because you’ve been stupid enough to arrange to meet him. Put it away, love.

2. Married/commited people, using Farcebook to perv. Oi, dickhead, that’s what porn is for. Ever had a random friend request? Yeah, me too... you know the kind... ‘I really think you’re beautiful, I’m not a perv, although you must get loads of requests from them, I’m not, honestly, if you want you can add me’. Uh huh. Yes he’s a perv... what was he doing sending you a message anyway? He was cruising.... that’s why... looking for the next bint for his collection. Sad, dirty old git. I have prepared a memo though for any such further occurrence:

“Dear Dickhead,
Thank you for your unwarranted and uninvited, very flattering message. Kindly print this reply out and stick it as far up your jacksy as you can, preferably until it makes your eyes water you sack of shit. It’s unlikely you’re not attached, so I hope her indoors finds out what you’re doing and throws you out, taking you for a fortune in the process, you needy, pathetic, and socially-disabled fuckwit.
Yours truly,
Your wake up call”.

You girls can feel free to copy/paste that should you wish. ;-)

3. People who do ‘dis’ shit. My art of communication is dying... I say mine, because sometimes I struggle to understand what the fuck some of FB are talking about. Every frigging week it’s the same... Countless spellings of ‘bored’ as ‘bord’, or, ‘board’... if you’re THAT fucking bored, take a bastard class in your native language!!! Oh my god... don’t forget the people who do this xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx after xxxxxxxxxXXXXXXxxxxxx every xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx thing they’ve said xxxxXXXXXXXxxxxxxxXXXXXXXxxxxxxx. Honestly, can you still SEE the X on your keyboard button? The only communication I get from this type of vacuous action is, ‘My IQ is really low and I have as much depth as a car park puddle’. Well communicated!

4. People bitching about status games/busting genuine status trends. Not so long ago there was a number game... people sent you a number and you put something on your status about them, and only you and they knew who it was. Okay, harmless enough, I had a bash. No sooner than a few had passed, you get the whingers, ‘stop wiv the numbas shit, it’s pathetic’. Okay... so move the status, or person who’s offending you instead of letting something relatively harmless boil your piss. And... erm.... get some real problems...? Also recently, we were all changing our FB avatars to childhood cartoon characters. Again, harmless enough.... until some arse-misery like the one above says it was started by paedophiles and spreads THAT status update. This was so obviously faked it could have been a 6 pound note, but still the sheep are posting. There’s a difference between a harmless bit of viral fun and a viral ‘piss on that because I have no friends to share it with’. Absolute fook-wittery of the highest order.

5. Application gifts.... okay, not them persay, but the way we have to collect them. Why, oh why, oh why, oh why, do I have to collect them INDIVIDUALLY? Some apps have now been nice enough to ask if we have any more gifts to collect. Yes, forty-flippin’-2! Any chance I can get them all together? Nope, says FB. You have to waste time... it says, what else were you doing on FB anyway? It then sneers at me smugly... Touché FB, touché.

6. Farmville & Mafia Wars - ‘Nuff said.

7. Farcebook being more important than that thing they call, ‘life’. If you’ve heard your partner complain about the time you spend online, chances are it’s taken them a while to tell you it’s bothering them. By now, this is not to be taken lightly. They’re feeling neglected, like you think they’re not important and they’re pretty pissed off at you. This is not the time to say ‘I’ll just finish *insert waste of time here*’. Using this phrase more than twice will no doubt or indeed SHOULD signal the end of your relationship. Get off the internet, you self git, and spend some time with your other half. If you’re really this addicted, you need specialist help. That said, when they leave you, or kick you out, you’ll always have FB, won’t you? The flip side of this.... is you spending hours on end online and your partner not caring. Hey, news flash, they don’t want to spend time with you... either that or they got fed up and they’re out shagging someone who doesn’t feel the need to sit online all day/night/both. I am talking here about excessive time on FB... any more than 6 hours at a time... and from an outside perspective from someone who loves FB but doesn’t spend ages on it? You have a problem, trust me.

8. Blah has unlocked a question about them and posted it on my wall. Oh really? The only app of this kind that’s worth its salt it social interview. It doesn’t charge you points to ‘unlock’ questions... what an absolute con. I do not want this cockmunchery on my wall, ta.

9. People complaining about profile changes. The site is free, get over it. Also, if you can’t work out your new settings and it’s all too much for you, then honestly... never EVER babysit. Not good to let people who can’t put their clothes on the right way do that.

10. Messages.... from groups I’m in I then have to leave because I received multiple messages about things that aren’t REALLY linked to that group, and even if they are repeat messages are fucking annoying. Stoppit stoppit stoppit!!!!

/rant over
I know this sounds a big negative, but hello, it’s me, remember me? lol Plus, I’ll be looking to the positive side of things next time... mainly I adore FB and I’ll be saying why. Probably won’t have the same sass, but with the negative comes the positive. Just crossing my mind I’d be a really confusing pregnancy test...

October 21, 2010

Christ and Bananas

A very good friend of mine is an atheist; love him to bits, known him for years. We’ve spent many evenings (and still do) discussing the finer points of that type of bollocks. He’s recently entered some very sticky territory though... that of the good old creationist/fundamentalist Christian. I have always maintained that religion itself is not a problem. People find it a comfort, and I’m not one to take that away from them. Sadly though, religion is often tied up in civil unrest and war. I’d argue, it’s not religion that does it- it’s human nature, religion’s just the reason given for wanting more land/power/that cute bird you’ve fancied for ages.  You can argue that if you take the religion away, they don’t have that excuse... but I’d bet evens that they’d find another, or may (gasp) just have to be honest about what it really is driving them.

However, back to our creationists: Interesting bunch. They call themselves the ‘bearers of truth’ and claim everyone who does not believe in God will burn in Hell. Nice. I’m quite happy with that, comfy in my knowledge that there’s no Hell, as are the many atheists that frequent these sites, trying to enlighten the blinkered. It’s punishment I wouldn’t go looking for but I have had a brief interlocking with them. 

The atheists had posted something about Odin, no doubt on the wind-up, trying to poke the Christians. I responded in defence and left something of a ‘Paganism for Dummies’ post. This was deleted about 20 minutes afterwards for being ‘off-topic’, ‘Christophian’ and an ‘attack on the bearers of truth’. I piped up to say I felt this was religious intolerance, all I’d done was explain what mine was, and as for Christ, who sadly has no evidence of ever existing, I actually quite like the idea of him. He’s a sandal-wearing, wise, hippy type who performs magic (loaves and fishes) and does rituals (last supper), what’s not to like? The man was clearly a gnat’s fart away from reaching for his book of shadows! After having stated something similar, and that because of this I felt something of a kinship towards ole J.C, I was told I obviously couldn’t do, because then I’d be a Christian! No mate, I wouldn’t... I travel alone on my path and meet my deities along the way, I don’t follow, I share. I don’t worship, I respect. 

Any old celebrity who’s had halfwits blindly agreeing with them all their lives and is always with people, but forever alone... they’ll tell you which of the two they’d rather have. People who feel the need to be agreed with all the time are usually insecure control freaks: that’s not an assumption, I’ve seen it in practice many times, as I’m sure you have. I’m sure no self-respecting God or Goddess would expect this; in fact I think they’d look down on it. If they’re agreeing with your mind constantly... how can they have one of their own?

I’m acutely aware of this, having been someone who lost her mind temporally over something that, looking back now, really wasn’t worth it. Recent events dictate that it was never what I thought it was and I was just deluding myself... it’s not a nice wake up call, but it’s a handy one.  I’ve never been one to blindly agree, but when you give so much and get the odd banana thrown back at you for being a good little monkey, ya gotta hop outta the cage and flee the zookeeper, while resisting the urge to fling shit and booking an appointment to overcome that Stockholm syndrome that’s been pissing you off so much. I doubt that particular zookeeper will even notice the cage is empty, much less care... but we’ll see. The best thing to happen is I have my mind back... and while it’s a dangerous place to be sometimes, it’s mine, and nothing will be taking it away again. 

October 07, 2010

Internet Phishing

By the time you’re 35, if you’re all about what other people think, then you missed life’s field trip on self-awareness. I’m sat here eating re-heated pepperoni pizza in a t-shirt with a hole in it, and I’d quite happily do this at the queen’s house if she’d let me. It’s about being who you are, y’see, life... even if you’re a bit shoddy like me, and bite your nails, drink too much Relentless and coffee and don’t empty your ashtray until it’s like the magic porridge pot... you’re worthy. Understand though, this does not give you licence to stomp on other people, because they’re worthy too.... (not all of them, obviously that bloke who shagged your mother and your sister, well, he’s a bit of a cad), most people, though, are just like you, struggling through the giant game of hook-a-duck we call ‘life’.

Speaking of hook-a-duck: Being single now is a whole new game, because unlike the social animals our ancestors were, we have the internet... yes the very beast allowing me to do this now, oh how we love it. If you’re looking, or even if you’re not, it’s interesting to see some of what’s on offer, and how the internet, rather than being a disadvantage in dating (this is only if you, like most people, have an IQ higher than that of a bath mat and don’t believe that gorgeous bloke from Saudi wants to marry you after a week and needs £10,000 to travel over) can be the best way ever to meet that person you don’t mind hearing you fart...

Okay, you’ve all heard an internet dating nightmare... no? Ok, well, for my part, the internet is a huge sieve.... only the good stuff can get through, plus, the internet has a block button, we ‘like’ this, don’t we FB users? ;)

Names have been changed to protect the disgusting/emotionally stunted/weird... and only in these circumstances can I call ANYBODY weird...

Basically, a list of dubious men I’ve encountered while ‘fishing’:

Graham (Mr lovely until you give him your number):

Seemed to be a nice man, normal-looking, ok to chat to, seems interested in me, and asks the right questions, we got on alright. And then I gave him my number. After the initial first text of ‘Hi babe, thanks for texting’, I receive, 2 minutes later, a picture message, yes, that’s right, a huge great cock on my screen. I did consider giving it marks out of 10, and also making some suggestions re: intimate topiary... however, before I got the chance I receive a message saying, ‘Can I have a pic back?’ I replied, ‘Yes, babe’, waited a few minutes and then sent him one... of a giraffe.

Mark (Mr Msn):

Again, seems reasonably normal at first messages, a bit cocky (although not as much as Graham up there), loves himself a bit, brags about his car, house, etc... he does have a sense of humour though, or so I think, so when I’m asked to make the small step of adding him to msn, I do it. The next day, BAM! I log into msn and the orange is flashing almost before the little bald blokes have stopped twirling. Bloody Hell, he’s keen. Not even ‘hello’... not a wink, not a nudge, not even an emoticon, but... ‘Put your cam on then’. Erm, no... a) I don’t have one, and b) why the fuck should I? After being told no, slightly more politely than that, it has to be said, he proceeds with his rant. How I’m ‘boring’ and do what ‘society dictates’ not what I want to do... hello, dude, you’re missing the point, I did not want to go ‘on cam’ for you, or anyone else. At which point I explain to him the reason he might still be single, it has to do with being a pervert with no respect for women who knows a few long words and shouldn’t use them too much for fear he hurts himself, I don’t think he liked it much. I then, of course, blocked him.

Pedro (Mr OMG):

Beautiful looking, and I mean yum, young, healthy, but short on conversation... his message says, ‘I love BBW, I want you to dominate me and shit in my mouth’. Erm, no.... *block*

Keith (Mr Married):

There are two variations of Keith. There’s Keith who tells you he has a wife (it doesn’t bother him if you’re a slapper then) and Keith who doesn’t. Keith who doesn’t will message you ‘Are you free tonight, I cud cum round 4 sum fun’, then before you get the chance to bollock him for the cheek... his account is deleted. Keith who will just keep... messaging... you... even though you’ve told him to sling his hook. *block*

Yes, I know, that all sounds pretty bad... however. I’ve met some lovely blokes too... the ones who are can be found on my FB as I’d like to keep them as mates even though nothing happened because they’re good people. I’m just thinking though, that recently, I made a good catch in my net, one that makes me smile, a lot. It just goes to show, that self-awareness thing (i.e. being you), there’s a lot to be said for it.

December 06, 2009


Okay, I can kind of relate to Sylvia Plath. Is that a bad thing? Hmmm... thinking it probably is since the woman gassed herself. Wrote some damned good poetry before she shuffled off the mortal coil though, (every time I use that phrase I have a Monty Python 'Dead Parrot' flashback). They should make it a science, like Maureen Lipman said in the BT ads, it could be an 'ology'.

It's a Sunday... I should have been out last night, but wasn't, the usual financial bollocks keeping me prisoner in my own home. That said, between the cat of fail and the insano-dog, I'm kept busy. I miss my daughter a lot at weekends, she's my company. Despite being so similar we're always arguing, she's also damned fun to talk to. She's very sarcastic and quick. I have no idea where she got that from...

I'm no longer going to uni... babysitting child-minding problems, me feeling guilty for not being with my girl etc... I know I should have gone, and I can't think about not going as it's too depressing. The feeling is akin to taking a swig out of that lager can at a party that you thought was yours, but is actually the one that's been used as an ashtray. So now I have to apply for jobseekers allowance, because the government says my child is old enough that I have to seek work. Great stuff... so, erm, where are all these jobs that last from 9.30am to 2.30pm then? I WOULD have had childcare in the form of pine cones, a local after school club, BUT aforementioned government, in their wisdom, closed it down. I mean, I'm not one of those who has the answers to all governmental problems... I need to have several JDs and a like-minded drinking buddy to come up with such works of genius, but come on... take the child care away and make people who need child care go to work? A master stroke, indeed! A master stroke that has all the common sense of a dog which insists that the back of a Korean restaurant is the place it wants to be during peak dining times.

And yes, I know it's not the government's fault that I got pregnant, etc... before all you well to do, 'never had to worry about money' lot start... I paid taxes too honey, and mine weren't ever from a well-paid job. Mine were from average or minimum wage jobs... where you work for people who can't grasp the English language, let alone run places. I recently found myself knocked unconscious due to things in my work environment that weren't risk assessed, which should have been (in this case, an outside staircase which was, as Bon Jovi would say, 'Slippery When Wet'). I called the office to report the accident, after having come to, and thrown up, to be told I'd have to do the rest of my calls that day as they had no-one to cover! Hurrah! Ladies and gentleman, a prime example of a well-run work place. I'm not crybabying... I know people have this stuff all the time, how many times have you thought to yourself, about the people 'in-charge', 'what a bunch of idiots, I could do this better blindfold', or stood on your head, reading a playboy, with a cat hanging off your face, while singing 'Hey Jude'... backwards...

The odd thing is, I'm not a cynic, I'm really not! I'm that annoying person who when you're in the depths will tell you, 'It'll be alright' and then try and fathom a way out of it.. yes, I AM that git. That smiley-faced, bouncy, LOUD, git... the one you want to tell to 'Fuck off'... to leave you alone in your misery. I've had to apply that to myself, after occasionally being let down by the very people I thought I could trust... Meh.

If it aint broke, don't fix it. I can be alone, and while it's not always fun... I do quite like me, which I think is a nice thing to be able to say. I know I can muddle through alone, and because of that, if I do take up with someone, it's because I want to, not because I need to. I watch my back a bit more now... that's true. Let's hope it doesn't hinder anything else I might have, lol, although I do think I'd be quite at home as the old lady who sits in the pub, smelling of piss with her gin and ginger on a Sunday afternoon, before she goes home to watch Songs of Praise. That'll never happen to me though. I don't watch Songs of Praise...